Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Tip for the Criminals in my Town

Let's say that you and your buddy are walking down the street, just minding your own business. (Which is just about the most dangerous thing in the world that you can do.)

Perhaps up ahead, in the distance, you spot another gentleman, also walking along, just minding his own business.

You and your buddy should resist, at all cost, the urge to pull a gun and attempt to rob this gentleman as if you are living in the ghetto of Detroit or something, not the freakin' backwoods of Hillbillyville.

Because there is a very strong possibility that he will make a fast and scary Steven Seagal move that will cause the gun to miraculously fall from your friend's hand to the ground, which will in turn cause your friend to run screaming like a girl into the night, which will in turn leave you as the only target for a very angry, not-as-helpless-as-you-thought-he-was man to beat the hell out of you, and then sit on you and call the Po-Po to come and pick you up.

And after about 30 minutes, your face will swell to twice its normal size, and the CT scan will show that you have a multitude of really nasty facial fractures, and your mommy will come to the ER and sit by your bed, talking to the Po-Po about what a good boy you used to be, until you get transferred to the Trauma Hospital in the Big City.

Now, what will be harder to live down? The fact that you got your ass kicked by the guy that you were gonna rob, or the fact that your mommy came to the ER and scared all your hoodlum friends away?

PS: Good luck with the reconstructive surgery, man. Maybe that wonky eye looking off in the wrong direction will give you some street cred. Or not.

8 comments:

Joe said...

This was my first visit here. Great blog!

EE said...

+2 on his street cred thanks to the funny eye, he'll have better peripheral vision...lmao.

Old NFO said...

Love it... Of course if he and his buddy had done that down in my neck of the woods, they'd probably be in the morgue from gunshot wounds...

See, down here we actually practice with our carry weapons :-)

crazyrn2be said...

Detroit? I live near there, scarey, very scarey indeed!

RehabNurse said...

Aww...he's got a nice souvenir and a lesson, so maybe he won't try that again.

The idiots are in the same league as the cops here:
http://www.kmox.com/City-Police-Miss-Shooter-after-Cutbacks-in-Target-/1796081

Penelope said...

I live in Texas and something like one in three people are carrying, be it legally or not.

Do what you wanna do, but some decisions reek of Darwin, don't they???

Karen

Strings said...

gee, another failure in the victim selection process...

kvegas911 said...

*gigglesnort* I call it natural selection.