Sunday, January 6, 2008

Alternative Job Hazards

My favorite tech in the whole world is Mama J. She's the one we call when the drunk 18 year old is being an ass, because she descends upon him like she's his mama and she just found out where he is and what he's doing, and by the time she leaves the room, he's behaving.

When Mama J is working, your gorked nursing home patient that hasn't had their diaper changed for at least 8 hours prior to arrival will be clean and smelling like roses when you go in to start their Levaquin.

When Mama J is working, your MVA's face and extremities will be magically cleaned of glass and blood while you call report for admission to the floor or transfer to the Real Hospital in the Big City.

When Mama J is working, your Chest Pain patient will have their EKG done and their labs drawn practically before they get off the ambulance gurney.

When Mama J is working, whatever you ask for has already been done.

Now, Mama J is not a small woman. She's big and strong with a slightly fluffy exterior. She's also one of the most beautiful women I know. When I'm old like her, I hope I look half as good as she does. (Yes, she reads this blog. Hi, Mama J.)

The other night Mama J was sitting at the front desk signing in the usual non-emergent emergencies, when a woman, we'll call her Bertha, came in complaining of knee pain. Since she weighed 300+ lbs, we figured her knee was justified in its pain.

Now, it was about 2 am, and Bertha said that she injured her knee at work. So we figured she must work the night shift at one of our local factories. Then she elaborated on the injury; she had hit it on a pole. Mama J's curiosity was piqued.

"What exactly is it that you do?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm an exotic dancer over at the G-Spot on Strip Club Row," she said.

*crickets chirping* *eyes blinking*

"Oh, how interesting!" says Mama J.

"Yep," said Bertha, pointing at her equally not-less-than-300-lb friend that came in with her, "both of us have been dancing there for a few months now."

*blink* *blink* *blink*

"Isn't that nice," says Mama J, ever the diplomat.

Once they were settled in the back, she turned to me and said, "Well, at least I know that there are career options for me if I get tired of doing this!"

All I could think is that I'm sending my latest exercise DVD back. It obviously doesn't work.


AtYourCervix said...

I had no idea that Carmen Electra had this exercise DVD. Hmm. Interesting way to work out. And practice those sexy dance floor moves too.

About Bertha and the pole

MarlaQuack said...

We all need a Mama J in our lives!

Evil HR Lady said...

If Mama J ever needs a new job, how about one as an employee relations rep? That would be fabulous.

License Pending said...

Mama J, if you're reading this, please abandon your job and come work at my clinic. We need you. If this offer doesn't interest you, would you consider giving Mama J lessons? How about a Mama J instructional DVD?

I'm just thinking out loud.

Mom In Scrubs said...

Mama J sounds like an angel.

And I'm getting off my diet. Obviously a little fluff isn't going to limit my career options.

I wonder if they make a special pole for large women?

EDNurseasauras said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EDNurseasauras said...

That is wrong.

chuckr44 said...

Mama J sounds like da bomb.

As for the patient, I think I saw her at the Deep Fried High Fructose Corn Syrup Bar.