Ode to Poo
There is a serious underestimation of the importance of poo.
Lack of poo production can make you cranky. It can make you tired. It can make you sick. But cranky, sick, and tired are one thing. What about dead?
If you're schizophrenic, and you take clozapine, your bowels can become so impacted that you vomit your own poo, aspirate it, develop pulmonary edema, and die.
No poo=death.
What if you're smuggling drugs? Once you swallow that balloon, you have set in motion a cycle that is beyond your control. The only way you can make any money off those drugs is if you can take a poo. These guys learned that lesson the hard way.
No poo=death.
Edith Rodriguez took too much Vicodin and did too much meth, and she died. From the official Coroner's Report:
"This 43-year-old Hispanic woman died as a result of consequences of a perforated focal colonic diverticulitis. Autopsy findings show a megacolon/pseudo-obstruction associated with the effects of recent prescription medication intake. Methamphetamine use was also a contributory factor to her final demise."No poo=death.
There are steps that you can take to prevent your unnecessary death. You can spend $175 for a three month program that will make you feel better and give you something to do with your digital camera.
Or you can go to PoopStrong.org and get a simple wristband that shows how important it is to Poop Strong. I can't guarantee that it will actually make you poop strong, but I've had my bracelet for about a week now, and let me tell you, I've never pooped better.
And with the holidays coming, we all need a little regulation, am I right?
Go get one today. The life you save just might be your own. Besides, it's for the children.
No, this is not my website. I'm not that much of an entrepreneur. I really do have a bracelet, though. It's funny, it's irreverent, and I like it. You do too. You know you do.
15 comments:
Great Stocking Stuffer!!! Thanks!
You are gross and disgusting, you know that? I LOVE IT! No thank you, please don't get me one for Christmas... I would hate to explain that one to the kids.
I'm not surprised you found poopstrong on the net I'm wondering why you looked?!
I gots to get me one of these.....
Right now I'm in the hospital with my nearly-6 year old. We were admitted Thanksgiving night, because he was pooping blood. Not just a little blood...his entire diaper was flooded with it. Don't know why, yet, we're getting ready for an endoscopy now. But I found this post strangely comforting...
(nearly - 6 year old is still in diapers because he had a liver/bowel transplant 5 years ago and doesn't exactly know when he has to go)
--lexi
Impactions are the most painful thing EVER. Mostly because nothing helps the pain (ie. narcs) but taking a poo. WHICH YOU CAN'T DO.
My longest no-poo episode was 12 weeks.
I looked, literally, like I was nine months pregnant.
It was awesome.
Finally, a cause I can support.
so if you take the bracelet off do you get constipated? if you wear three of them do you get the runs?
if they work, im going to have to get a bunch of these thingies for all the obstipated octogenarians that come to see me in the ed. ill wrap them around their ears if i have to.
heck of a lot better than layering up the rubber gloves
MonkeyGirl and I should put out SHIFT STRONG bracelets. Apparently Whitecoat all of a sudden needs intervention as well.
WhiteCoat:
You're sneaky.
I see what you're doing.
Stop it.
PS: "Obstipated Octogenarians" sounds like a social club.
I think WhiteCoat is jealous that I'm paying special attention to 911Doc. His lower case comment without even so much as an apostrophe nor an ending period just screams out "what about me??"
mwuuuuhahahahaha
Just kidding. I don't think I could type a whole paragraph that way. It took me about three times as long to type the last one because I had to go back and change everything after I typed it out correctly.
K - I don't care about the attention. I just want your blog back.
Yes, sir. Just don't encourage 911. He's already writing emails with alternating upper and lower case letters to MG. Guy is starting to decompensate...just seeing one aberrant paragraph may be all it takes to get him permanently off track again.
SHIFT STRONG, PEOPLE.
I laughed so hard at the DrNatura site that I almost wet my pants. In what part of the universe would it seem like a good idea to fish around in the toilet and pull out your poo to photograph it? Good God!
This is just disturbing!
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