Wednesday, June 27, 2007

When I am Queen of the World

1.You will have an ET tube and an IV placed in triage.

2. There will be no family allowed at the bedside unless you are dying.

3. There will be a Lortab dispenser in the waiting room to recoup some of the money we lose on Medicaid patients.

4. Aerosolized Ativan will be dispensed via the air vents q 2 hours PRN.

5. There will be a Valium salt lick at the nurses' station for emergent WTF's when dealing with JCAHO or new policies created by paper nurses.

6. Nurses will be issued Tasers.

7. Reproductive organs will require activation by a chip. The chip will not be activated unless you have a job and a brain, and have passed parenting classes (thanks, DamnLemming).

8. Fibromyalgia will not be treated with narcotics. Ever.

9. You are allowed two ER visits a month. That's it.

10. All social, er, I mean, diagnostic intubations on mean and nasty people will be done with succs only (thanks 911Doc).


911DOC said...

just to clarify. while i might wish, from time to time, to intubate someone without an induction agent, i would never do this. time was it WAS done, but not by me, not where i work.
cheers to the Queen.

Nurse K, Generic ER Nurse said...

Can you intubate my ex-husband without an induction agent (or the cost-effective 'POF' induction agent)? I think he has a cough and his airway may be compromised at ANY MINUTE. Can you discharge tubed patients to jail?

Loving Annie said...

Ha-ha on number 7 ! I'm voting for you for Queen of the World !

And why have JCAHO exist at all ? this would eliminate some of the need for the valium salt lick...

And how about only 2 ER visits per YEAR ???

AngelMD-No-More said...

hi mg! jaz dropping by...this post of urs really got me laughing. is there any election to vote for the queen?hehe

anyhow, if u want someone be intubated without an induction agent nor even anesthetics, feel free to send them here where i work...=)

mielikki said...

Long Live the Queen! Huzzah!
oh, and Off with their Heads!

frostedlexicharm said...

While I understand the sentiment behind this post....there are legitimate reasons to come to an ED more than 2x / month. My now-5 1/2 year old had a double transplant at age 11 mos.

When he was 7 mos old, we spent almost the entire month hospitalized, one week at a time, for bleeding issues that never really resolved. They'd release us from the floor, we'd go home for a day or two, then he'd start literally pouring blood out his ostomy and diaper. We went to the ED 4x that month, and it SUCKED, as we knew we'd be admitted each time. Literally, once we got released from the floor and didn't even make it home before we had to turn around and go back. (Turns out they booched up his INR something fierce that time....he was at 5.1 when they rechecked him in the ER.)

So, yeah, I do comprehend the "don't let the drug seekers and scum and asshats get away with using the ED as their own personal medical center"...but...there are those of us that do our damnedest to just keep our kids alive, and we sometimes come in an awful lot.


MonkeyGirl said...


As I assume you deduced, the 2x/month rule was for the asshats.

You can ask any of us, even the most cynical, and we would NEVER begrudge real patients, (a category into which your son unfortunately fits) as many visits as necessary. Period.

You continue doing what you are doing. Even the hard-hearted bitches among us have moments of humanity, and patients like your son deserve all of the love and care that they can get.


X-Ray Geek said...

I hope it's ok that I borrow the reproductive chip. I love the line!!!

Amanda said...

2. There will be no family allowed at the bedside unless you are dying.

Please GOD yes! Do this! My mother (I'm thirth-freaking-SEVEN, y'all) insisted on coming with me to the ER when I went there all lightheaded and stuff after an extended bleeding episode.

Mom, I love you. But unless they say I'm dying? I'm not. And if I were dying, I'm sure I would have gone back pretty quickly rather than waiting 45 minutes (pretty fast, actually) to get a bed-ish thing to rest upon.

Plus I was rather coherent as long as I wasn't expected to stand. And I had my PDA, so I could take notes if something serious was actually going on.

Or maybe I'm a huge idiot because I didn't want my mommy with me. I don't know.

Amanda said...

Uhm... thirth-freaking-SEVEN really means THIRTY freaking SEVEN.

Eye kan spel gud.

Joeymom said...

My mom always calls me in when she goes to the ER (about once every 5 years). Our local ER is overburdened, so its a good idea to have someone who can take care of stuff like fetching a blanket if you're cold, helping you to the bathroom, or making sure you have something to drink after the doc says you not only can, but MUST drink fluids right away. Then the nurses can do important stuff like help folks who haven't been seen yet.

HIBGIA said...

I'd vote for you as queen. Oh wait...I guess I don't get a vote, huh?

I like the no narcotics for fibromyalgia! Can we add non-fractured limbs, low back pain, toothache, anything for which "dilaudid only works"...I could go on?