Saturday, May 24, 2008

A Tip for the Rabble-Rousers in my Town

We all know that God created bars so that single men might have a place to drink. And He created Friday nights so that they might have a time to go to those bars, just like Sunday is for going to church.

Now, everybody knows that sometimes a man might have a bit too much to drink, and may act like a fool or do something dumb, and it's okay, because it's not his fault. It's the alcohol. So of course it's forgiven.

Something dumb like starting a fight in said bar.

Which causes the patrons (and bouncers) at said bar to beat the ever-loving hell outta you. With fists, bottles, and even a barstool.

Which leads to you stumbling out the door in fear for your life and collapsing against your very nice car in the parking lot.

Where a Good Samaritan asks you if you are okay, and when he gets no reply in the affirmative, helps you into your very nice car and drives you across town to the Emergency Room.

Where he pulls up into the ambulance bay and frantically asks for help, and offloads you into our very capable (and now very bloody) hands for care.

And then drives off in your car.

So here's the tip, Rabble-Rousers: Put your mama on speed-dial.

That way, you can call her from the bar after you get beat up, and she can take you to the hospital and stand around in an indignant huff because somebody beat up her baby.

Or, she can come pick you up at the hospital after you get fixed because somebody stole her baby's car.

Or, she can come pick you up at the County Jail when you get arrested for possession when the nurses happen to find a large quantity of a certain controlled substance in your pocket while the police are questioning you about the bar fight.

In any case, you're gonna need your mama.

17 comments:

Trudie said...

First off - leave the blinkin' car at home when you go out drinking!

Intubate Em!!! said...

Too funny! Some people either have terrible luck or get exactly what they deserve.

distracted by shiny objects said...

There is something to be said for drinking alone. At home. In the dark. Talking to yourself until you pass out.Really, when you think about it, it's a civic duty.

Kojak said...

I happened by after reading evil lunch lady's blog. Thats good stuff. In my line of work I see that just about daily.

Penelope said...

This just confirms my belief in Darwin's theory of survival of the fittest.

Karen

Tex said...

It's karma, pure and simple.

Car, Ma....I made a funny.

Evil Lunch Lady said...

Hahahahaha! Another classic!

Gertrude said...

That is awesome! He will never live it down.

Sarah said...

I love it! Your stories are always entertaining.

911DOC said...

oh dear penelope but you are mistaken! million bucks says mama's boy here already has 6 kids and 6 baby mamas. his genetic material trumps yours!

Amy said...

MG you rock! And you have a way with words. Betcha it gets hard keeping it all inside at work.

Rogue Medic said...

Doesn't it feel good to do your job of helping this guy to recover so he can go out and drink and drive, again?

Sometimes doing a good job just means that the rest of the world is less safe from the people we help.

Not at all what Darwin described.

knitalot3 said...

And put a post-it note on his forehead "DO NOT REPRODUCE!"

Mom In Scrubs said...

Did he get a complimentary vasectomy?

Mother Jones RN said...

Oh my God! Stupid is as stupid does. Great story!

MJ

tammyswofford said...

Just another reason I don't work in Emergency. Though we get stupid tricks done by stupid people coming through the PACU too, so ain't life grand?

Tammy

Kim said...

If I had seen this on a TV show, I'd never have believed it.

Some things can only happen in real life! : D

(What makes people wanna fight when they drink? All I do is giggle, but then I'm not a guy...)