Friday, February 29, 2008

I think we're onto something....

My buddy Barry has come up with a fantabulous plan.

First, we need to install a giant dry-cleaners' rack. You know, the automatic ones that you push the button and it brings all the clothes around?

Then, when a patient signs in for triage, you hang them from a hook, and send them to the next station, which is the giant Valium salt lick. After the salt lick, they will go through a healing mist of aerosolized Ativan.

When they are benzo-ed into complacency, they stop in triage, where they will actually be able to give you an appropriate number on the pain scale.

Once triage is finished, they remain on their respective hooks until it is their turn to come to the back. A push of the button and they are deposited into the bed for you to treat and disposition.

If they are admitted, back on another track they go, to be whisked upstairs to their new room.

If they are discharged, they go on a track that spins them around in circles in the parking lot until they cough up a co-pay or a deposit. No pay, no go home. State- funded medicaid or not!

Notice that the hooks are single person only. NO VISITORS!!!!!!

I think we're onto something here.

Any other suggestions?


John McElveen said...


This is one I though up for Urgent Care Fast-track. Little car seats that go through on a track, with hoses up above them just like at Jiffy lube. Their chief complaint and drug of choice are pinned on their chest and you just reach up and pull down the appropriate "Coctail" hose and squirt it in their mouth as they go by.

At the very end is a brief stop and the car rocks up at an angle and exposes them- and you can jab them in the ass with any of 25 pre-filled IM narcotic injections in all combos--then the "shot" cars go off to another area for 25 minutes hold time- and the "ride" must come to pick the patient up!

This would prob not work in your ER setting- but at Urgent Scare our regulars aren't quite as bad as our Er's.

Larry said...

eh, if we aren't frequent fliers with actual, you know, insurance, would we have to go on the hooks?

mom said...

I can visualize is a great idea. Waiting rooms might have to be enlarged slightly to enable the system to work. Maybe you can convince your hospital to be the first one to try it out. Think of the press coverage it would get...maybe not all good press, but what the heck!!

Fat Lazy said...

Great idea, I'll take two - do you deliver to the UK?

Evil Lunch Lady said...

That thought picture reminds me of Beetle-Juice. The scene were the guy is hanging by his neck and doing office work.

Yeah I'm going to hell;)

Julie said...

Sounds excellent.

Orthette said...

I love it!!!
Maybe just a larger tube system to tube the patient to the floor along with the paperwork...
Or a long ativan "patch" that could double as a ID band?
The valium salt lick is priceless, though.

The Ole' Apothecary said...

Along these lines,I always visualized a patient in a bed getting a single intravenous infusion. There was no bag hanging. Instead, some tubing ran from the patient into the ceiling to a 10-liter box that contained all of his/her daily additives, i.e., total parenteral pharmacotherapy. Of course, if it involved TPN, you'd have a lot of reading in Trissel's to do, but you could make it work. Nothing to send, nothing missing! If the nurse calls in search of something, you'd just say, just like the old Prego sauce commercial, "IT'S IN THERE!"

Anonymous said...

I really think you are on to something here...of course, the vicodin pre-pack machine in the er lobby would also cut down on the workload and wait, as well.