Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Sumdood Strikes Again!

The other night we had a rash of Sumdood sightings. Three different SPAKs (Status Post Ass Kicking) signed in within a 2 hour period. All three of them were on the receiving end of a serious beat-down, one of them with facial fractures serious enough to necessitate transfer to the Real Hospital in the Big City.

I heard three variations of, "I was just hangin' out, minding my own business, and Sumdood jumped me." Sumdood was wearing his usual Cloak of Invisibility, rendering his victims incapable of providing a description of any type.

But Sumdood wasn't done. After opening three different cans (Or maybe it was the same can three different times. I'm not sure.) with the expected results, he pulled a gun on a young gentleman I will forevermore refer to as The Luckiest MotherF&$#*r On Earth.

TLMFOE came into the front lobby stating (in a hysterical scream-like-a-girl voice) that he had been shot. Upon his prompt removal to a trauma bed, it was discovered that he had a single entry wound on the lateral aspect of his upper arm, with no exit wound visible.

Further examination revealed a bullet-sized lump lodged in the muscle of TLMFOE's upper back, less than an inch from his spine at the T4-ish level.

Visualization of the path that said bullet must have taken resulted in the activation of the "Oh Shit" protocol. (As in, "Oh Shit, this appears to be a real patient. Prepare for stabilization and transfer.")

But after poking a few 14 gauge holes in him and giving him some high quality diagnostic radiation, we discovered that TLMFOE was the proud recipient of.... a flesh wound.

The bullet went in the outside of his bicep, traveled through his arm, missing the humerus and all of the important blood vessels, entered the top of his chest, deflected off a rib, and traveled through the muscles of his back to its final stopping point, one inch from paralyzing him.

TLMFOE should have ended up with a shattered arm, a hole in his lung, and a motorized wheelchair at taxpayer expense for the rest of his life.

Instead, he walked out with a sling and a 9mm souvenir in his pocket.

Sumdood needs some time at the range.

14 comments:

William the Coroner said...

Bullet wounds are amazing. And I'm stealing SPAK.

MonkeySister said...

Ho-ly crap! If only TLMFOE would take this situation and realize that he has been given an amazing second chance and get the heck away from Sumdood for good.

emergencyem said...

"Spak"

hehehehehe.

CrankyProf said...

I'm guessing that TLMFOE will be pushing his luck by trying to take on the illustrious Sumdood. to get revenge.

Let's see i his luck holds out...

Nurse K said...

That rivals the Magic Bullet theory.

Beadnik said...

Hehe....yep, I predict that SPAK will become an official designation used by triage nurses everywhere within a year. You should copyright it. Here in our little town, we don't have Sumdood. Our men are way too macho, it's always THEY that did it. As in, "I was standing on the streetcorner, reading my bible and they jumped me..." Of course, like Sumdood, THEY are never identifiable, but our hero always vows to "take care of it". Sigh, it's back to work for me tonight....

Mage And George said...

Your Sumdoods are far more vicious than mine....which are usually just drunk. Thanks for this. Made me laugh.

Mommi Tutu said...

All I can say is holy crap. I live a sheltered, sheltered life here under my rock thankyouverymuch. Thanks for getting my blood pumping!

~SUV Mama~ said...

LOL, Mokeygirl. Somdood already took the good comments.

Ambulance Driver said...

Sumdood packs a family size, multiple-serving can of Whoopass, and he doles it out liberally.

But you're right - his shooting sucks.

Probably because he shoots with the gangsta tilt.

mielikki said...

maybe sumdood was feeling holiday generous.Nah.
AD probably has it right on the money.

Julie said...

Love it. SPAK has entered my dictionary and will be used at work.

TEX said...

SPAK and 'Oh Shit Protocol are now being used in our ED.
BTW, sumdude was in NC this am...man that boy do get around!

Kacey said...

You not only are caustic --- you are downright funny! Hope I never meet up with Sumdood, I am such a wimp.