Saturday, December 22, 2007

In which the Grinch gets tagged with a Christmas meme

Jeff B tagged me for a Christmas meme. I find that to be a bit ironical, because I am the original Grinch.

However, I'm sitting up front right now, it's raining and there's nobody signing in. Nobody wants to come out in the rain, so they're all calling 911 for their non-emergencies, and letting the big white taxi bring them in comfortably. Subsequently, triage is dead, and I have nothing to do at the moment. So I figured, what the hell.

I'm not tagging anyone, though. You wanna do it on your own, go for it.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. I only get gifts for the brat, and she’s 6, so I use wrapping paper and as much tape as I can, in order to impede the whirlwind unwrapping process. I tape boxes shut on all of the seams, too. My parents used to do that to me and it drove me crazy. If I get a gift for anyone else, I rarely wrap it. But I almost never get gifts for anyone else. I’m not a giver. I’m a taker. Giving is for suckers.

2. Real or artificial tree? OK. About the tree. See, I kinda think that Christmas trees are retarded. Well, except other people’s. I love other people’s Christmas trees. I just don’t feel the need to have one myself. It’s really not worth the effort. Or the price. I’ve only had a tree one year out of the last 5. And that was 2 years ago when the 4-year-old said, “Daddy, how come you don’t have a tree? Santa can’t find where to put my presents without a tree!” So I caved and we got a tree for the kid who wasn’t even going to be there for Christmas Day anyway, so Santa took her presents to her mom’s and put them under the tree there, but how do you tell a 4-year-old they can’t have a Christmas tree? You don’t. You just suck it up and get the damn tree. Thankfully, she doesn’t need two trees anymore.

3. When do you put up the tree? Never, if I can manage it.

4. When do you take the tree down? Well, since I didn’t ever put it up, then it would follow that I don’t ever need to take it down, do I?

5. Do you like eggnog? No. Like is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the feeling I have for eggnog. I absolutely adore eggnog. I would almost choose a glass of eggnog over a Bacon Cheeseburger. Almost. I don’t like spiked eggnog, though. Just regular, rich, creamy, straight-to-your-hips-and-stay-there-in-the-form-of-a-roll-of-eggnog-colored-fat-until-next-Christmas goodness. And I had never even tasted eggnog until about 2 years ago. Think of all the years I wasted. *sigh*

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don’t remember last week, much less Christmas as a child.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope. My husband tends to display atheistic tendencies when religious items are placed within his line of sight. (I think it comes from those torturous years in Catholic School.) He’d probably feed Baby Jesus to the cat. Come to think of it, the cat might eat Baby Jesus on his own. Maybe if he ate Baby Jesus it would cure his Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Hey, I may be onto something here.

8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don’t even remember the good ones. Why would I remember the bad ones? I do remember that my mom Santa always put gummi bears in my stocking. I hate gummi bears.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? This year I mailed Christmas cards to my 3 siblings, my grandparents, and my parents. Usually I skip that tradition. Not worth the effort. Similar to Christmas trees.

10. Favorite Christmas movie? Die Hard. And Die Hard 2. Yes, mom, they are too Christmas movies.

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Since I only buy gifts for the brat, I pick them up whenever I feel like it and stick them in the closet. Then a day or two before Christmas, I send my husband in to get them all so we can wrap them. There’s usually a huge pile of kid crap to wrap.

12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Pistachio Baklava and Pumpkin Ice Cream. Neither of which I can ever find anymore, so I have to make them myself. But that’s ok. Because they’re better that way.

13. Clear lights or colored? Clear. Not icicles. I hate freakin’ icicle lights.

14. Favorite Christmas song? The VeggieTales version of “Feliz Navidad”. And anything from The Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s first album, “Christmas Eve and Other Stories”

15. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Work. Always.

16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Only if I sing the song. And you don’t want me to sing the song.

17. Angel or star on the top of your tree? Jeez! What is the deal with the damn tree?

18. Open your presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? I don’t get Christmas presents. The brat opens hers on Christmas Eve because her mom has her on Christmas morning.

19. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Muzak Christmas music that starts on October 21st. The rude assholes out shopping are there year-round.

20. What do you leave for Santa? I drink a Guinness and leave him the empty bottle. Maybe that’s why I never get any Christmas presents.

21. Least favorite holiday song? Dunno. Prolly that stupid "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."

22. Do you decorate your tree with any specific theme or color? Oh, for crying out loud! Enough with the damn tree!

23. Favorite ornament? I used to have an Oscar the Grouch and a Wicked Witch of the West ornament, each given to me by people who felt secure enough in our friendship to provide a physical representation of my personality traits. They burned up in the trailer fire, but the traits they represented are still alive and well.

24. Family tradition? The week before Christmas, my mommy gives me her annual “If only you didn’t live so far away…” guilt trip.

25. Ever been to Midnight Mass or late-night Christmas Eve services? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was raised Mormon. There is an invisible force-field in place outside Catholic Churches that prevents Mormons from entering the building. I haven’t tested if its power has faded any, but I’ll bet it hasn’t.

And those are the details of my MonkeyGrinch Christmas joy. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

11 comments:

Joeymom said...

Try ripribbon to slow down the child. That's what my folks did. Worked.

Also, y grandfather hated Christmas trees. He had 12-incher in a little wicker wheelbarrow thing, already decorated, that he had the maid put out, usually on Christmas Eve (or for the day when someone came over). I was placed back in the attic, decorated and all, the day after Christmas. He never even touched the thing.

Nurse K said...

I also am not a big Christmas tree person, but I put up my fake one with multi-colored lights only and a decorative tree skirt. Easy up, easy down. No ornaments. My ornaments are all old and busted up, and I'd rather buy my kid more presents than additional ornaments for the tree.

Birdwell said...

LOL. What is it with people who are raised Mormon but don't go anymore--where did all the snarkiness come from? I think it's all the repression..

Fellow Inactive that hides her snarkiness because I still feel I might get struck by lightning or something. (DO you ever get the urge to answer the door to the Missionaries naked and offer them a beer?)

GuitarGirlRN said...

I work on the holidays too. And we rarely put up a tree--DR's allergic to trees, even evergreens. We have a plastic one but it's so lame. He's fine with that since he's an atheist who was raised culturally Jewish, and his daughter goes to visit her relatives in the Midwest for Xmas. This year we're doing a "boxing day" dinner for friends and my mom, who would never let me forget it if I didn't at least acknowledge the holiday.

MonkeySister said...

Ah yes... the beloved family tradition you listed for number 24... Try having some grandbabies and you'll get that guilt trip once a week.

I just want to know where all those gummi bears that you hate went to... I don't remember you giving them to me... :)

Impetua said...

Wow. I feel so average and un-snarky. I like Christmas. I don't mind the muzak too much (though I do wish they started it later), I love getting and decorating the tree. I wasn't raised Mormon, and I have entered a Catholic church (as a tourist).

Does this make me less interesting?

/cry

Babs said...

Gummi Bears in your stocking? That means you're still just a young-un yourself! They weren't mass-manufactured until sometime in the 80s... mighty young to be such a Christmas cynic, my dear. Though if the focus is on the commercialism then it's easy to be cynical. And if it's got an atheistic turn, then that's all there is to it, so why celebrate something that you don't believe in in the first place? Either way...have a great December 25th!

Joan said...

You sound like a real "Mommy Dearest". I bet the kid hates coming to your house.

MonkeyGirl said...

Joan-
You sound like a real "Anonymous Troll". I bet you're wrong.

Go away.

Amy said...

I agree wholeheartedly with the eggnog thing. There are no words to adequately describe my love of eggnog.

RehabNurse said...

Mommy Dearest? Naw, probably a fun stepmom if nothing else.

You have to be fun if you're watching out for force fields and drink eggnog!

Trolls will head to the nearest rock to get beneath, anyway.

You could always put up a Festivus pole next year...