Sunday, August 19, 2007

Revenge is sweet

The Church Gossip:

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.. walked home... and left it there all night.

The Ex-Wife:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp , a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam-cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer, and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on the price that was 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home..........including the curtain rods.


Anonymous said...

when are you coming to work, i need a good dose of you. it's been pretty pathetic lately, choice of those to work with of course. atleast last night i had crystal. havent worked with you in weeks, no one to do all my work for me. what the hell?

C. said...

AWESOME on both accounts.

SeaSpray said...

GREAT jokes!!! L-O-L!!

If you haven't already seen it you may appreciate the ER Wimpgar post I put up recently. :)

The post explains it was created by the ER staff I worked with at the time who obviously had a bit a down time. :)

Ambulance Driver said...

Heh. That sounds like something I would have done. ;)

Joeymom said...

My mom is going to LOVE this. Fortunately, her lawyer managed to get her the house. :P

scalpel said...

Two thumbs up!

Loving Annie said...

I could marry a man like Henry ! Nice going, Mr. ! Heh-heh. So perfect !

Good revenge from the ex, Monkeygirl. Very good. Fittitng, I'd say.

But personally, I'd never want to movie back into a place I'd once shared with my ex, no matter what new paint, new carpet and SHUTTERS I'd install.
Too many memories....

Melissa said...

Both stories made me burst out laughing. That felt so good. Thanks.

Mark said...

Going logical on you...
In reality everything eventually dries up and stops smelling. Every had dead mice in the walls or ceiling? For this to work in reality the stink would need an occasional watering, maybe new material for the stink to consume/expel.

MY OWN WOMAN said...

I loved the story. Great belly laugh for me... thanks.

Evil HR Lady said...

I read your first joke in Sunday School today. :>)