Air Bubbles!

Our local PD escorted a very vocal, very paranoid, off-his-meds psych patient, screaming his lungs out about how we were all trying to kill him.

As we held him down to start an IV, he kept screaming that we were trying to kill him. "Air bubbles! I see the air bubbles! You're killing me with air bubbles!"

After the 52 part of a B52, he was laying relatively calmly watching the saline infuse into his IV. Every once in a while he would yell,"Air bubble! There's another one!" and "Air bubble! Here's the part where I die."

The part where he died never came.

The part where we all walked around saying, "Air Bubbles!" did. In response to everything. For several hours.

"Charge Nurse, what are we admitting bed 2 for?" "Air bubbles!"

"MonkeyGirl, what's that EMS coming in for?" "Air bubbles!"

"Ward Clerk, what's wrong with the phone system?" "Air bubbles!"

and my favorite....

"Dr. Feelgood, what can I give this frequent-flying, drug-seeking fibromyalgeur for her 10/10 pain that only hits her when I walk into the room?" "Air bubbles!"

Variation on a Meme

911Doc thinks that I have nothing better to do than these damn meme thingees. In case you missed it, #1 was here, and #2 was here.


In honor of The Speaker's departure, (otherwise referred to as a month of sobriety) I have constructed a list of 8 random things that I remember/miss about her.

1. She was really good at block quotes.

2. She coined the phrase "Nursing Thuggery", leading to the creation of the "Nursing Thugs", a group that has, sadly, broken up.

3. She quit blogging, took her blog private, came back, and then quit again, so far, with no sign of her coming back.

4. Her ability to toot her own horn and feel sorry for herself all at the same time is equal to none.

5. She'd put up bizarre posts, then take them down. Unfortunately, she left most of the bizarre posts up. But we have an alternate record of some of the missing ones.

6. Her persecution complex was freaky in its intensity.

7. She had the hots for me. She linked me all the time.

8. My original Speaker post is still one of my favorite posts.

If you clicked all the links and didn't have a stroke, I'm impressed. I had to quit halfway through this post and take a break so I didn't have one, myself.

I think that the only person I can really tag for this meme is Nurse K.

But feel free to pick up any Crayzee-ness that I forgot. I know there's a lot more out there.

EDIT: Nurse K plays the meme game!

This is for 'Cat over at MDOD

It always cracks me up when I'm surfing my favorite "brainless" websites and there's a not-so-brainless reference...

A brief foray into the realm of WTF?

I had the pleasure of listening to a patient's husband argue (in all seriousness) with the doctor about whether or not it was illegal to drive under the influence of Morphine.

He had a Morphine pump for his back pain issues, and he said he'd been driving with it for years and it was perfectly legal because.....

wait for it....

he had a prescription.

The great irony? He was supposed to be his wife's ride home after she received her fix therapeutic interventions. They both had to hang out for a while until they could find somebody that was not narcotically enhanced to give them a ride home.

Bummer, dude.

A new one

Today, a frequent flyer signed in with a complaint of "need more pain medicine".

The average wait at the time was 4 hours. She was obviously relegated to the end of the line. She threw a fit for a few minutes, but we didn't pay much attention...

Until she turned up her insulin pump and passed out from the resulting hypoglycemia.

She got bumped to the front of the line.

Following the resolution of her blood glucose issues, she was discharged sans narcotics prescription.

We'll call it a draw.

Football wars

In the MonkeyHouse, there are two potential battles every football season.

I am a Michigan Wolverines and Kansas City Chiefs fan.

MonkeyHusband is a Penn State Nittany Lions and Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

Every couple of years, Penn State plays Michigan. Every couple of years, KC plays Pittsburgh.

Last year, the Steelers beat the hell out of the Chiefs. MonkeyHusband still rubs it in.

Needless to say, I'm enjoying yesterday's Michigan win twice as much because they whupped Penn State.

The Onion

No, not the good "The Onion", the retarded "The Onion".

My sister sent me a link to an article on Yahoo News!, wondering why it even made the news, much less, why she was reading it.

I had no answer for her. I attempted to find an answer by reading it, also.

A man was arrested after he hit his wife in the back of the head with an onion. James Izzolena, 54, of Des Moines, had been drinking, became upset with his wife, Nicole Izzolena, 27, and threw an onion at her during an argument on Wednesday, police said. Police said James Izzolena admitted throwing the onion at his wife but said he didn't mean to hit her. His wife told police it made her head hurt.

Reading about it made my head hurt. Why this is news, I'll never know.

Liars and Cheats

I suppose you could just call me gullible, but I believe Floyd Landis. I always have. I'm totally bummed out (though not surprised) that he lost his arbitration case.

I guess it's because I really dig the "hero" theme. You know, the come-from-behind win and all that. I was also in denial about Alexander Vinokourov this year when he cheated, because of the incredible heart he showed (not to mention the incredible stupidity of cheating in such a detectable way.)

It's much easier to believe that Barry Bonds or Bill Belichick cheated, because they're such pompous jackasses. I don't like them, therefore, anything bad that is said about them must be true.

It makes me think, though. Aren't we like that in the ER, too? If you're a jerk demanding Lortab and a work note, we're more likely to believe that you're a drug seeker than if you're polite and request the same. But in all actuality, personality is not the best indicator of drug seeking. The good drug seekers are more like the polite guy than the jerk. That's why they're good.

So make a note of it, Migraineurs, Fibromyalgeurs, Non-Specific Abdominal Paineurs, Non-Cardiac Chest Paineurs, Dental Paineurs, Meth Armpit Abscesseurs, et al...... If you're nice to us, you're much more likely to get your fix therapeutic interventions. We'll fall for your act much faster (and for much longer) if you're polite.

Call it a reward for good behavior.

Change of Shift

Is up over at Emergiblog!

Beyond Simple Staffing Issues

I realized the other night that though the lack of nurses available to staff the ER is a bad thing, scraping the bottom of the barrel to keep the ER staffed is just as bad, if not worse.

We have a plethora of new nurses in the ER. Not New Nurses, just new employees. Most of them are worse than New Nurses. New Nurses are inexperienced to begin with, but they learn. These nurses are not New. They just suck. (No, Lola, I'm not talking about you. You're just a pain in the ass.)

When you look around at the beginning of the shift and realize that there are only two or three nurses working (out of 8-10) that you know you can count on in a "situation", it just plain bites. If you spend 8 hours praying that there will not be any critical patients because you're not sure if the new ones can handle even helping with a fast-paced AMI or trauma, then you have a problem that extends past basic staffing issues.

Having one or two bad nurses on a shift isn't unmanageable, because you can stick them on Kootchie Row or in the Crayzee Annex. But when you have to assign them to the semi-real patient beds, it's worrisome. And if they're on the front side (Trauma/Cardiac rooms), too, well, that's just a recipe for disaster.

When your good nurses are all either jumping ship or going to PRN status so that they don't have to deal with the bullshit anymore, and their replacements are slower'n molasses and sharp as a bag of wet mice, it makes for a hostile work environment.

I'm not sure where this new crop of nurses came from, but I wish they'd go back. And take the bad techs with them.

*sigh*

I miss the good nurses. Come back, good nurses, come back! (I know you're reading this....)

I've found a job for The Speaker!

She can be the campaign manager for Lee L. Mercer, Jr. as he makes his bid for the Democratic Presidential Candidate.

His reasons for running are numerous, but I especially like

#49. To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in –laws sex life both may sons and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.

Running for President to prove you don't have a sex life?

#34. To Prove the government owes me Zillions of Dollars in money and is refraining to pay me and my business Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

Zillions? How many zeros is that?

#23. To Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime done in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International .

OJ, watch out! He knows the truth!

#56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

Now, there's a reason to run for President. You can't be havin' no Jeb Bush all up in yo' house with disease!

Woo-Hoo! Crayzees Unite!


H/T Matt G.

Notre Dame Football

I apologize in advance to one of my favorite Blogging Docs for the following links. I will not name him, because he knows who he is, and I won't embarrass him by publicly "outing" him as a ND fan. I feel his pain. I'm a Michigan fan.

As I have mentioned before, Charlie Weis nauseates me. There are many reasons, and they have finally been stated quite neatly by Michael Rosenberg.

There are a lot of reasons that some of us like college football better than the NFL. Charlie Weis is the antithesis of all of those reasons.

Girlvet nails it again.

I'm glad that somebody is still posting good stuff, because I sure the Hell ain't.

PS: She's got a good one about Nursing Satisfaction, too, and so does ERNursey.

Google

You'll be happy to know that I have the #1 and #2 entries on Google for "meth armpit sore".

Since I absolutely abhor meth freaks, especially the repeat offenders with abscesses that waste my time and the ER's resources, I think that's highly apropos, don't you?

PS: Go ahead and call it a spider bite. We all know what really bit you.

My favorite Pirate Joke

William the Coroner beat me to it. AAARGH!

My Favorite Taco Bell Commercial

Remember the Taco Bell Commercial where they're at a costume party and the one guy who ate Taco Bell says, "I'm full!" and other guy says, "I'm a pirate," all dejected-like?

This is much better.

No, I'm not drinking tonight. I just like pirates.

Monday Night Observations

1. Andy Reid is not Mike Shanahan.

When Mike Shanahan ices the kicker, Janikowski hits the uprights and the Broncos win. When Andy Reid ices the kicker, Joe Gibbs changes his mind and the offense trots back on the field to score a touchdown.

2. When pissy, back to back to back Guinness improves your mood exponentially. Especially if slammed while munching fresh chocolate chip cookies.

3. I live in a subdivision with sidewalks. One of the only ones in town with sidewalks. People insist on walking their dogs, kids, etc in the street. Get off the street, you dumbass. It's dark outside. Your fat ass will make an un-lovely dent in the hood of my Honda.

Voiding Drunks

Drunk lady female patient: Need urine for a UA and UDS (drug screen).

Escort patient to the restroom.

Explain explicitly the process for obtaining urine, expecting drunk to be unable to perform task, which will require her to be cathed by me later, anyway.

After five minutes, concerned (well, wondering, anyway) for her well-being, knock and enter bathroom to find.....

Totally naked drunk woman squatting on the floor and peeing into the cup, which is placed with absolutely perfect positioning directly between her legs.

Continue observing in shocked disbelief as drunk woman fills the cup to the top without spilling a single drop, picks it up and sets it on the counter.

Assist patient with replacing gown and escort back to room curtained cubicle.

Comparison

Here's how the ER is now.

Here's how it should be.

Things I noticed during the Michigan game

1. Mike Hart is a stud.

2. Notre Dame really sucks this year. And if the quarterback that started the first game for you has already transferred to another school, I'm guessing the ship is indeed sinking fast.

3. Charlie Weis nauseates me.

4. Watching this big ole goofy white guy grin every time he did ANYTHING, good or bad, reminded me why I love college football. He threw his first completion in a college game and grinned. He tripped and fell down during a play, and bounced back up grinning. He threw a touchdown and grinned. He handed off to Hart and grinned. He stood on the sidelines and grinned. Granted, they were stomping on Notre Dame, but watching him enjoy himself so much was refreshing. You don't see that in the NFL.

MonkeyHusband Humor

MonkeyHusband got a card offering a "discounted rate" on Playboy in the mail yesterday. When I wondered how they got his address, he said, "Apparently if you have subscriptions to Scientific American, The Economist, and Smithsonian, they figure there's no chance in hell you're ever gonna get laid, so they sell your address to Playboy."

Wow.

I have nothing to add to this story.

It's nice to be loved

So I went away for a week, and when I came back, I found this!

First, AD gave me an Honorable Mention with a "recharge your batteries and get over yourself."

Then, Farmgirl over at Tractor Tracks gave me more blog love, and reiterated the "get over yourself and come back."

So I think I'm back, and I'm sorta over myself, though I reserve the right to take off again if I want to. And don't be surprised if I don't blog much on weekends. Football is still more important.

And as far as passing it on, take a look at my Blogs I Check Every Day List. They're all fantastic. Otherwise I wouldn't check them every day.

A sad, sad man

So this guy won the lottery, now his life sucks, and it's all the money's fault.

"Almost five years later, Whittaker is left with things money can’t cure: His daughter’s cancer....... his wife left him, and his drug-addicted granddaughter — his protégé and heir — died. He endured constant requests for money."

Oh my God, no. Not constant requests for money.

“I don’t have any friends,” he said in a lengthy interview with The Associated Press. “Every friend that I’ve had, practically, has wanted to borrow money or something and of course, once they borrow money from you, you can’t be friends anymore.”

The whole article is a "Woe is me" diatribe about how horrible it is to be him. Of course, he's not broke, or anything.

"Whittaker was a self-made millionaire long before he became a lottery winner, having built a pipeline business worth $17 million. He still has plenty of money."

God, I feel so sorry for him.

"Whittaker’s struggles with drinking, gambling and philandering became public, and tales of his transgressions were retold with relish. His home and car were repeatedly burglarized. At a strip club, thieves broke into his Lincoln Navigator and stole a briefcase stuffed with $245,000 in $100 bills and three $100,000 cashier’s checks."

Oh, you poor, poor soul.

Let me make a couple of observations.

First of all, if your wife left you, then it's probably because you're a whiny ass, and you're a cheating, gambling drunk (see above quotes for proof of that).

Secondly, there are millions of people in this country with cancer. Though I'm sorry your daughter is one of them, I doubt very much that the Powerball Jackpot had anything to do with it.

Thirdly, what kind of a dumbass leaves half a million bucks worth of cash/checks in the back of your car at a freakin' strip club?

Dude, qwitcherbitchin'.

You won $93 million after taxes. You were already a millionaire. Why don't you try giving some of that money away to those less fortunate than yourself instead of whining because they want to borrow it?

And maybe, if your life sucks so bad, you should quit gambling, drinking and philandering, and try to not be such a whiny ass. Stop looking for validation for the good things that you supposedly have done, and do something because it's the right thing to do, not for recognition and accolades. And maybe you should start going to one of those fancy new multi-million dollar churches that you built.

Lots of people have sucky lives. I'll bet I can find about 50 of them right now in my ER alone that would love to switch places with you. Including me.

This cat works in my ER

Going back to work tonight for 3 in a row. Keep your fingers crossed for a stupendously bloggable weekend....

Random Thoughts

Bill Belichick is a weasel.

*

***************************************

Miracles can happen.

*****************************************

Don't fret, I'll be back. Now that I know that Migraines are the new Fibromyalgia, my life has meaning again.

Priorities

When I started this blog, my intent was to give the friends and family that I no longer see very often something to remind them of me, lest they forget my smart-assed-ness.

I'd put up a post, go over my Blogs I Check Every Day list, and I was done. 30 minutes on the Internut, tops.

Then I got famous. *snerk*

I started posting more, I got linked more, the attention was fun.

Then the reciprocal blogroll grew, and I found a lot of fun new blogs. I subscribed to Bloglines, so that I could keep an eye on them. Pretty soon I was spending hours on the Internut. I still am.

To tell you the truth, I'm getting sick of the damn computer.

And the stuff that is going on in the blogosphere, as well as the stuff going on in various blogger's lives, is starting to affect me in my personal life. It's taking time away from other things, as well as making me cranky.

I didn't really put it all together (I know, DUH) until I read Babs' post today. Now, I don't have a new relationship to nurture, but I do have a husband that I'm neglecting, and I haven't gotten any flack from anyone in particular lately, but the possibility is always just one post away.

And dammit, it's football season. My Chiefs may not do well this year, and my Wolverines may have taken a trip on the suck train, but there's plenty of good football being played, and I want to watch it.

So I'm going back to the way it was when I first started it. Babs said it best.

"The blog is just a blog. Just a little hobby."

My anonymous internut personality is not the most important part of my life. I've got other things to do. I'll still share my musings when I have them, and I'll still read yours occasionally. But if I want to take some time off, I'm gonna. And if you don't like it, well, Frankly, Scarlett.....

Bedside Manner

There's apparently evidence that suggests that theater classes for medical students might improve their bedside manner.

Of all of the things that are wrong with our healthcare system, bedside manner is their priority? What's next, handwriting classes?

Here's my theory on that.

If the drug-seekers, the free-riders, the self-entitlement asses, the busybody mothers who won't listen because they know what's best so why can't you just do what they tell you, the drunks, and the all-around PITA frequent flyers weren't outnumbering the real patients 3 or 4 to 1, our bedside manner wouldn't appear to suck so bad.

Because the real patients love us. And our bedside manner with them is top notch. No acting needed.

Yo, Doc!

There was a bit of discussion last week about whether an RN could/should call Docs by their first names or only refer to them as Dr. Whatever.

I usually go case by case.

But I can tell you for a fact, that if you are a physician, and you are comfortable enough with me to show me the picture on your cellphone of the massive crap you took that morning, I am comfortable enough with you to call you by your first name.

I do, however, have a question regarding cellphone pictures of poo.

I have had the dubious pleasure of seeing several of these pictures in my lifetime. And never, in any of them, was there a scrap of toilet paper visible.

So I have to know. What on earth would make you think that something that came out of your ass was so important that you had to hurry and take a picture of it without even wiping? And why is your cellphone in the can with you, anyway?

Just wondering.

Corny

This is a post about popcorn.

It seems that that there is a chemical in microwave popcorn called diacetyl. It's specifically part of the artificial butter flavoring. It's been judged to be dangerous enough to the factory workers making said microwave popcorn that ConAgra Foods is pulling it from their recipes.

The catalyst for this action is apparently a 53 year-old man from CO named Wayne Watson, who has contracted himself the first documented case of "Popcorn Lung". His habit of inhaling the butter-flavored steam from freshly popped bags of popcorn twice a day for ten years has given him hypersensitivity pneumonitis and bronchiolitis obliterans.

Gives new meaning to the words....

....wait for it....



LUNG BUTTER.

Change of Shift

Change of Shift is up over at How I Spent My Nursing Education; Go check it out!

Let me tell you why....

....somebody that I've never met is one of my favorite people in the world.

This is why.

The scariest thing is that he doesn't even live in my state, yet he has just accurately described every night in my ER.

Wow. Just Wow. I mean, Wow. Really. Wow.

PS: I know I haven't put up anything even resembling a quality post in at least a week. I'm really sorry. I'll try to do better. I'm in a rut, and it's all the same ol' shit at work, so there's nothing new to bitch about.

*sigh*

I almost wish the Crayzee would come back.

PMS Pandemic

I just opened up Bloglines for the first time in a few days, and Holy Crap! I'm fairly certain that we are seeing evidence of a PMS pandemic!

ERTechDude is talking smack about Nurse K, the non-ER docs are attacking the ER docs again, the Angry Pharmacist and the Angriest Pharmacist are, well, ANGRY, somebody apparently insinuated that Babs isn't a good mom (inspiring a fantastic rant), ERNursey's bosses freakin' SUCK, and I've still got a ton of blogs to read!

Girlvet's right. Our med-blogosphere's getting a bit soap opera-ish.

Since I'm feeling a bit pissy myself, I'm gonna go drink a Guinness and find a football re-run. Y'all can fight without me.

Awwwwwww......

Welcome to the world, K.T. We've been waiting a long time for you. Give your mama a hug for me.

I got my ass kicked by Appalachian State

You're the University of Michigan!

You love the Olympics, football, basketball, and... well,okay, you're just a sports nut. You do have a more academic side to you as well, but usually you learn from other students more than actual teachers. You might be the only person in the world who liked Gerald Ford's presidency, though you sheepishly admit that it might just have been due to his last name. You are seen as very capable, but you do throw the word "um" into your speech far too frequently.

Take the University Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

***************

This was scarily accurate. Imagine my pain yesterday. Oh well. I didn't get to watch, so it was second hand pain. At least there was not any blasphemy involved, like poor Babs. Oh well. At least Notre Dame got their asses handed to them. (Sorry Kim.)

I knew things were weird around here...

You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!

by Lewis Carroll

After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser, you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much, and just avoid hat shops altogether.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

(Thanks, RugbyGirlMD)

Things to do today... if I was a guy

(Click on the picture to enlarge it if you want to read it)

So why are the men the only ones who get to go to the Pr0n and Pancake Breakfast? I like pancakes, I like.... umm, nevermind.

PS: If you go to Shoney's today, stay away from the syrup. That's all I'm sayin'.